


The Bulletin Board Rules

by Ash_Cassidy97



Series: birthday2015 [2]
Category: James Bond - All Media Types
Genre: BAMF Q, Doctor Who References, Equations, Humor, James Bond should know better, M/M, Minions, Notes, coffee is number one, notices, probies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-28
Updated: 2015-01-28
Packaged: 2018-03-09 11:34:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3248171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ash_Cassidy97/pseuds/Ash_Cassidy97
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five of the Rules posted on the bulletin board in the Q-Branch to help probies navigate their first few weeks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Bulletin Board Rules

**Author's Note:**

  * For [morbidcassanova](https://archiveofourown.org/users/morbidcassanova/gifts).



_**Notes:** _ Google docs accepts “workee” as a word, but only sometimes. There is a site ([located here](http://www.jamesbondlifestyle.com/tags/products-skyfall?page=1)) that will give you information about everything with a brand that was in Skyfall, and all other James Bond movies. Fans are scary and awesome. I also have a new appreciation for men’s fashion(read: I know nothing). There is a song titled “007 is also gonna die”, because that’s not ominous to write to. I apologize for the equations, but that was sort of my rant about “Advanced” Algebra(I feel for anybody that know what Gradpoint is.). There is an actual Quartermaster Corps, in England. They’re broken down into Quartermaster Units, and then into Log Specs (Logistics Specialists). Most counties has its own Quartermaster Corps for each military branch. You can go to Quartermaster Corps School. *fangirls*. They have messenger bags. They have “clothing repair [specialists](http://www.army.mil/article/97352/Sewing_is_free_to_soldiers/)” #I do all the research. I blame insomnia for this.

 

pics of Q’s actor being hot. [link](https://www.google.com/search?q=Ben+Whishaw&espv=2&biw=1422&bih=616&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=StWuVNjuFsGYNu38gYAD&ved=0CAYQ_AUoAQ#tbm=isch&tbs=rimg%3ACRsdIuSkWStmIjibYz1NOlzf4MXDsd6gxXMUD4gJLqVLBSxtQxgISDwLnPx_1oE_11Xbx6H5S6Q3K5V5eZtasseUSnMioSCZtjPU06XN_1gEZbsfU9EBQynKhIJxcOx3qDFcxQRlbwxuMrVCfUqEgkPiAkupUsFLBGX1J-uaSCNJyoSCW1DGAhIPAucETJ2bkzP-kirKhIJ_1H-gT_1VdvHoR63cmvfAhP4sqEgkflLpDcrlXlxGQn_1im02TLDioSCZm1qyx5RKcyESjPGSYfU2i9&q=Ben%20Whishaw&imgdii=_) Your welcome for that, because I was like “what does Q even wear?”. And that happened.

 

* * *

 

 

**One: You don’t mess with Q’s caffeine levels**

MI6 was a wreck after Silvia. There were misfiled papers that spelled the destruction of a few small countries, random screwdrivers everywhere(somebody had thought a Doctor Who prank would be funny), and nobody could get the damn coffee maker to work. The thing had been broken down by most of the Q Branch’s minions and nada. The thing produced this weak shit that wouldn’t keep anything up.

 

This was a Problem.

 

No coffee means no workee. No workee means multiple Problems, and Q hated Problems, especially people Problems. They were always faulty with quirks. Like the “quirk” to start taking his tea.

 

Q was new, very new, all shiny around the edges without a splash of red to mark him as dangerous. 00s like shiny. According to M, the only thing they were good at was finding trouble. Trouble has a certain shine to it. Basically, 00s are hoarding dragons that steal things for their cave.

 

Equations that all Agents learn or die:

00 Agent + boredom = damage

Q-Tea= dead body(damage)

 

* * *

 

00 Agent + Boredom = Q - Tea                        1.can set equal because they both equal damage

+Q’s Tea                     +Q’s Tea                       2.cancel variable

 

00 Agent + Boredom + Q’s Tea = Dead Body   3. Combine variables.

 

00 Agent + Q’s Tea = Dead Body                    4. simplify

00 Agent = Dead Person                                 5. Understand results

* * *

 

Today, Q walks into the office, calmly. Sleepily. Even a genius needs time to unravel where the parentheses go, and what subclasses are needed for each project, and there is a certain lacking of time. He headed straight to the Q Branch cupboard, ignoring James Bond. There was tea to be had.

 

Except, there wasn't tea. There was only Bond sipping a steaming mug of delicious smelling liquid.He had used up the rest of the tea. Q sniffed, nostrils flaring slightly. Bond only smiled benignly at Q with his messy hair and owlish expression. Q smiled back.

 

Q pulled out a gun, shoving it under Bond’s chin, still smiling cheerfully. Bond tried to move, but immediately froze. The Quartermaster’s other hand was gripping a knife that put a light pressure on Bond’s balls. Bond clutched the tea tighter. He was not going to get it up and have to deal with the Coffee Machine From Antarctica(Coffee should be hot, dammit). Q only smiled, and nailed Bond’s instep with his heel. Bond didn’t grunt or break expression. Q let the knife slip an inch, creating a tear in Bond’s trousers, and revealing a brilliant pair of red pants.

 

The entire Q Branch froze.

 

00 Agents were monsters. They could turn in damaged tech with only a smirk, and get away with it. The Quartermaster looked 90 pounds soaking wet.

 

Equation: Smart - Sleep = insanity || smart + insanity + success = genius.  

 

Bond carefully placed the tea back on the counter. He remembered that Q had the skills to make his life a living hell. It was not a retreat, just not worth the bother. Q flashed a bright smile, and put the knife away. Q snatched the tea. He kept a firm grasp on the gun as he took a sip of the liquid from heaven. Hmm, it had no sweetener or milk added to it. Perfect.

 

“You touch my food again, Bond. I will cut deeper.” Q looked scary for a second. Bond did not flinch. Q withdrew the gun, and put it back in his holster. Q walked to his desk, putting the whole matter out of his mind, yawning.

 

Bond stood there for a moment. Agents like shiny; shiny things means trouble, and less boredom. The Quartermaster may look harmless, but he was a shiny red.

 

The Q-Branch stayed away from Q for a few days after that display. “Don’t mess with Q’s caffeine levels” got added to the bulletin board in the Q Branch, under “Notices”, next to the sign that reads “Satan is absent today. Please return tomorrow”.

 

* * *

 

**Two: Don’t Mess with the Probies**

Unfortunately, people left MI6 through body bags, tears, retirement(not for a long while) or being fired. Less people means more work, so there was always a new recruit in the Q-Branch, that random person that has no fucking clue what’s going on or why Sublevel D is devoted to Doctor Who. The rest of the Branch just held their breath in hopes that there wouldn’t be too much blood to clean up.

 

Q tries to keep the 00s out during the Probation period, but it fails. Everytime. Somebody should look into that shiny thing. It was a Problem.

 

Bond walked into the Q-Branch Wednesday afternoon, finally returning from a mission, because nothing interesting happens then. Poor Mel, the intern, was walking around, filing things. Classified files, for the record.

 

Bond slowed, drawing a gun. “Freeze”, he said pointing the weapon at Mel. Mel froze, his expression freaked out. The entire Q-Branch froze. Had the Agent gone rogue? Q was away for the moment, probably down in Sublevel D. “Hands against the wall.”

 

Mel didn’t move. Bond was scary, but Q was more scary. “Sir, I work-”

 

Bang.

 

Mel lay on the floor. Flecks of blood sprayed the floor. Q calmly walked past, not putting his gun away. He had shown up at some point, balancing what might be a half completed Delek in one arm. Bond froze, the blood on his clothes staining his dark blue shirt. Mel crawled away. Q walked right on by Bond, paused and then turned on his heel and faced Bond again.

 

“Don’t fuck with mine, Commander.” Everybody stood silent. Q never addressed an Agent less than ‘Agent’ or ‘007’ or ‘what the hell have you done now?’. Irritation is a sign of endearment.  Q’s face was bland; he was almost smiling.

 

“I thought he was a spy”, Bond hedged.

 

“No, you didn’t. You were testing him which is not on, Commander.” Q’s eyes didn’t flash. He looked almost bored. Bond tried to look like a drowned puppy. “You try that bullshit again, I will not fire a warning shot. Now, I suggest you hop off to medical like a loyal soldier before I kill you.”

 

Q continued walking to his desk, putting the gun away. The Q-Branch went back to doing what it did best: pretending like they so weren’t freaking out over their Q being a badass. Bond staunched the blood from his flesh wound. Q had hit him directly in the ass, angling it to there was an obvious tear in his clothing from the graze and a spray pattern that covered the floor, wall, and Bond’s clothing. The bullet had landed safely in the wall.

 

* * *

 

**Three: Moneypenny is off Limits**

 

Moneypenny is evil. Complete and utter evil. Everybody knows. Everybody fears the secretaries in MI6. There should be a support group for the people that get taken out with staples on a regular basis. Poor probies.

 

However, every single probie has tried at least once to flirt with Moneypenny and failed spectacularly.

 

Fact: Moneypenny owns a taser.

Fact: MI6 started a betting pool on each new sod for when she would use it.

Fact: After the 6th probie that required medical attention, Q added the rule to the notice board.

 

**Four: Treat you tech kindly or they will Kill you for compensation for damaged tech**

 

The minions of the Q Branch(they like the name, okay?) take it personally when technology comes back damaged. They spent hours working over code, shouting at blank screens, giving technology little quirks that make them more human. So they take it personally when Agents return their carefully, cleverly designed tech in irreparable pieces.

 

Enough that one minion(wants to remain nameless) posted the rule on the notice board after a spectacular mission with 003.

 

**Five: Q belongs to Bond**

 

None of Q Branch is exactly sure how this happened, but it did. They do remember awkward conversations between those involved and some nights when Q left the office before 1 am.

 

But it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter how or when or who put the notice on the board(Bond). It doesn’t matter that Q glares at the notice, but smiles more often than not. The thing that matters is that their Quartermaster smiles more and dances randomly around the office. It matters, because Bond is possessive bastard with a lot of guns, but well, that works both ways.

 

This is Q Branch, they’re more than a little mad.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated tothelightwithin as a birthday present.
> 
> I couldn't get the image to work so I just did the text, sorry, folks.


End file.
